Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he/she left out.
Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in Heaven.
Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, split hairs, red tape and baloney - usually applied at random with a shot gun.
Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
A Cheap Home Security System
How To Install A cheap Home Security System:
Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots size 14-16 (used)
Place them in the front porch, along with a copy of Gun And Ammo Magazine.
Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine
Leave a note on your door that reads
Hey Bubba,
Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I gone for more ammunition.
Will be back in one hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all of the dog's in the house. Better Just wait outside until we can get back.
Cooter
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
does mgl stand for mark gillian and louise
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Strong Young Man
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
This one is pretty good!
Construction Worker and Engineer
An Engineer and a Construction Worker are sitting next to each other on a long flight across country.
The Engineer leans over to the Construction Worker and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Construction Worker just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Engineer persists and states that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the Construction Worker politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Construction Worker's attention, and he sees no end to this idiotic torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The Engineer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Construction Worker doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.
Now, it's the Construction Worker's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Construction Worker and hands him $50. The Construction Worker politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Construction Worker and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the Construction Worker reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Ark Building
In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States
The Lord said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the flooding rains for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Don't Got Milk?
What do you call a cow that won't give milk?
A milkdud!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
The accident report
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Feel FREE to drop a note in our Guest Book to say Hello, Hi, How Ya Doin, Howdy, Waz Up, Hey, Hello Mate, or any other greeting that comes to mind. We enjoy comments from visitors, neighbors, friends, associates, and the occaisional society reject, so feel free to add your literary wit or wisdom.
4 Consumers
In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States
